None of Your Business

(SPECTATOR#1 seated in chair facing audience, eating popcorn from a theater bag, laughing, slapping leg, watching something hilarious — this should go on for about 60 seconds or a little more, with her being intent, listening, leaning forward, then bursting into idiotic laughter, slapping her knees, then back to listening intently, gobbling popcorn — she needs to give the impression that she’s at the theater watching a great funny movie, and can’t help herself from laughing even though she is heroically attempting to stifle her giggles)

SPECTATOR #1:

Oh this is the best one yet! Oh, I need this, I need this!

SPECTATOR #2:

(arriving, starting off in whisper, helps himself to popcorn) Hey! Have I missed anything?

SPECTATOR #1:

Oh it’s great!

SPECTATOR #2:

But what about my money? Huh? Have I won yet?

SPECTATOR #1:

(a little miffed) Oh just sit down and enjoy the show. Do you have to wreck everything?

SPECTATOR #2:

Come on! Come on! Just tell me what I’ve missed!

SPECTATOR #1:

Oh all right, already! He’s quoted from the Rocky Mountain News two times, from the Denver Post at least three times, and from Time and Newsweek…

 

SPECTATOR #2:

Hah! You owe me, baby, now cough up the BUCKS!

SPECTATOR #1:

Oh alright, I don’t suppose he’s going to pull a quote out of the Bible with five minutes to go in the sermon. Here! (throws money at SPECTATOR #2)

SPECTATOR #2:

(munching popcorn) Ooh-HOOO! I love church. I could get rich in this joint! So anything else exciting? Has Elder Crumpkins fallen asleep yet?

SPECTATOR #1:

Oh yeah. He even started snoring. But that’s the repeat. Look at what’s MORE interesting… (pointing)

SPECTATOR #2:

What? I can’t see what you’re talking about.

SPECTATOR #1:

Over THERE! Bob Slobkins.

SPECTATOR #2:

Man! I see what ya mean! That’s SOME RUG. He must of traded in the Cadillac for that roadkill.

SPECTATOR #1:

(looking to a new location) OH NOW THAT IS REALLY DISGUSTING!

SPECTATOR #2:

What? What now? What are you looking at?

SPECTATOR #1:

Look at HER! That disgusting Louisa AGAIN. Look how SHORT that skirt is!

SPECTATOR #2:

(eyes bugging out) Whoa. (pause, staring) Whew. (pause, staring) Wow. (pause) WOW.

SPECTATOR #1:

(snarling at SPECTATOR #2, smacks him on the forehead) Put your eyes back in your head!

SPECTATOR #2:

WHAT! Hey! No — no! I was just, you know — hey, I was looking at her JUDGMENTALLY! Yeah! I mean, I was just thinking about how HOT hell is going to be for someone like her…

 

SPECTATOR #1:

Yeah, I BET that’s what you were thinking!

SPECTATOR #2:

(sees opportunity to divert her attention) OH LOOK AT THAT. Mrs. Mulligan.

SPECTATOR #1:

Yeah, so what about her?

SPECTATOR #2:

Hey, if she’s in HERE, in the Sanctuary, who do you think is watching the potluck goodies downstairs…?

SPECTATOR #1:

(lightbulb popping off in head) Oh, hey…

 

SPECTATOR #2:

So . . . you like, HUNGRY?

SPECTATOR #1:

Don’t ya just LOVE church?

SPECTATOR #2:

Hey, I look forward to this fun ALL week long…!

(they get up and begin to tiptoe out, giggling)