Humble Service

(three people at table, two sitting side by side — Mr. Humble and Ms. Selfglory — and the Tester, sitting at head of table, all three have papers, Humble and Selfglory filling in answers on their tests — they work diligently in silence, while Tester periodically glances at watch)

TESTER:
(checking watch)  Okay.  Time’s up.  Please set your pencils aside.

MR. HUMBLE:
(calmly sets down pencil)  Wow!  That went fast.
MS. SELFGLORY:
(impatient, frantic, begins scratching out answers before setting down pencil)  Yeah, it sure did go fast — I’m glad I finished a few minutes ago!  (continues to hurriedly scratch in a few more checkmarks, hoping no one will notice)

TESTER:
(watching Ms. Selfglory with disbelief)  Excuse me.  (Applicant #2 ignores)
MR. HUMBLE:
(finally notices that Ms. Selfglory has refused to quit the test, glances over with a little humor)  Um.  I think the test is over.
MS. SELFGLORY:
(not looking up)  I KNOW IT’S OVER!  I’VE BEEN FINISHED FOR A LONG TIME.
TESTER:
(calmly, but with strength)  Please set down your pencil.
MS. SELFGLORY:
(finally makes one last check, and then sets aside pencil)  Just had to check my answers — sometimes these pencils don’t make dark enough marks…
TESTER:
Are you finished?
MS. SELFGLORY:
Oh!  Now that you mention it!  (whips back through several pages and makes one last and very large checkmark)  THERE!  (smiles innocently at Tester)  Thanks!
TESTER:
(puts out hand and takes sheet of paper from each applicant)  All right then.  Let me just feed these test sheets into the machine.  (rises and crosses room to giant computer, feeds in each sheet, then waits for corrected papers to emerge)

MS. SELFGLORY:
(looking through notes, then speaks to Mr. Humble, through the side of mouth)  So.  How’d ya do on the test?
MR. HUMBLE:
(looking through his notes)  I don’t really know.  My notes here weren’t the best.  But I really want to serve the President, so whatever test He wants me to take, I’m going to take it.

MS. SELFGLORY:

I’m pretty sure I aced it.  I’ve been preparing for this job all my life.  I just LOVE government.  It’s all just so exciting.

 

MR. HUMBLE:

Well, I just go where I’m told to go.  If the President calls me, I come.  Just doing my job.
MS. SELFGLORY:

(gives Humble a snide, sarcastic look)  Oh.  Well, GOOD LUCK.  (shakes her head, laughing, returns to her notes)
TESTER:

(receives graded papers and returns to table)  Okay.  I would like you to follow along on your test copies.  (hands them each a sheet of paper)
Now, as you both can see from the papers in your hands, this opening is for Service Specialist.  And I want to assure you both, as evident in these graded test sheets, you are two very competent and qualified candidates.

(Humble and Selfglory, read along, nodding their heads, Humble, true to his name, nods and grins self-consciously, whereas Selfglory smirks and luxuriates in the praise)

I must caution you, this is a very thankless job.  You won’t be getting much attention, and not much gratitude will come your way.
MS. SELFGLORY:
(smile instantly disappears, looks up)  Excuse me?  Could you repeat that last part?

TESTER:
The job requires a lot of hard, backbreaking work — all out of sight.  The President will need you to go before Him, and smooth out the way for Him.  You’re going to need to do some problem solving, remove the obstacles from his path.  It could get rough.  Dangerous.

Mr. Humble?  Does the job description sound disagreeable to you, so far?
MR. HUMBLE:
It’s up to the President.  I’m here for Him.  Whatever He needs me to do, I’ll do it.
MS. SELFGLORY:
Now listen!  I think my test scores will prove me out!  (looks over at Humble’s test scores)  YUP!  Just what I thought.  I beat Humble, hands-down.  No one is more qualified than ME.  I’m ready for this job.  And I’m the best!

(then whispers to Humble:)  Teacher’s Pet!
TESTER:
(to Selfglory)  And the job description doesn’t bother you?
MS. SELFGLORY:
Hey, I definitely believe in hard work.  My resume will back me up there.  And I’m willing to dedicate myself to the President.  200 PERCENT!  My test scores should tell you that I’ve got the stuff you’re looking for.  I’m not going to stand for it if you give the job to HIM

TESTER:
Ms. Selfglory.  Rest assured, the President definitely has work for you.  But you need to have the right attitude.  You will be a team member in the Special Service — and that’s going to require a very good deal of humility…
MS. SELFGLORY:
Hey!  I can do humility!  But you know, I DO believe in Employee Recognition.  I believe in a fair day’s wages for a fair day’s work.  I want the recognition that’s coming to me, that’s all.

TESTER:
Mr. Humble?
MR. HUMBLE:
It’s no problem for me.  (briefly looks at Selfglory)  If you feel that Ms. Selfglory is better equipped for the job — (shakes paper)  and if I just don’t have the stuff you need, I’d rather not be in the Special Service.  I just want to do what’s best for my President.
TESTER:
To what lengths would you be willing to go, to serve your President?
MR. HUMBLE:
Whatever is required of me.

MS. SELFGLORY:
(snaps in right behind Humble’s words)  Whatever is required of me!
TESTER:
Let me spell it out.  Your identity will be erased.  Bit by bit, slowly but surely, every piece of identification will be taken from you . . . even your name.  To protect the President, to serve Him . . . you will decrease.  Ultimately, you may need to give your very life.
MS. SELFGLORY:
(completely shocked, mouth drops open, snaps shut after a pregnant pause)  Now wait a second.  I’ve studied hard.  I have a career.  Serving the President.  I’m not giving that all up.
TESTER:
(nods toward the door)  The President will not force you to serve Him.  Feel free to pursue your career.  It’s up to you.
MS. SELFGLORY:
(sighs loudly, ruffles through papers)  I’m sorry.  But this just isn’t the job for me.  But you have my number.  Give me a call for the next opening that better meets my standards and qualifications…  (stands and exits proudly, imperiously)

TESTER:
Well.  The job is yours, Mr. Humble.  If you feel you can give away your SELF, in order for the President to be lifted up — the job is yours.  It’s your choice.
MR. HUMBLE:
Well, I don’t know if I’m the best person for the job.  But I want to serve the President.  And I’ll give it my best shot.  Whatever it takes.  I mean, I have to admit, this isn’t the job I thought I’d be in.  But if I’m serving the President, I’m happy.  And I’ll do my BEST.
TESTER:
You have the job, Mr. Humble.  Congratulations!  (they smile)  And don’t worry.  You will be given EVERYTHING you need to serve the President.  And I might add, the rewards will be extravagant!  Welcome to the Special Service team, Mr. Humble!

(they stand, SMILING, shake hands, and exit)